It takes time
It takes pressure
It is black and dark
The forces to create it are immense
Dont run from the challenge
Embrace it
It can be done
Fight it
Mold it
Release the pressure from within
Let it shine in the new light
It is finished
Its beauty dwarfs any other thing
the light flickers and sways in its radiance
from the darkness light is emmited from its faceted face
the brillant rainbow shines throughout the darkness engulfing you in its warmth
Sorrund it as the rush comes
Diamonds.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Searching
When they look at me what do they see
Do they see one of their own
staring at them as if in a mirror
or do they see a monster
Intent on their own destruction
Trying to induce pain at every possible angle...
Do they see me trying to disguise my evil intent in the act of an angel
Or maybe they see me as their savior
A hero even
One to be there to rescue them when that evil monster attacks
One to stand by their side through danger
But will i end up causing more pain than i do good?
Did it ever occur to these people that i might be neither
I could be a voice on the wind
A leaf out of thousands of leaves
I could be a cloud in the sky ready to shed my tears at any given moment.
No.
Im that kid you see on that corner
lost with no where to go
looking in the eyes of others for that gleam of hope and acceptance
Where am I?
Im that lost little kid..... searching
Do they see one of their own
staring at them as if in a mirror
or do they see a monster
Intent on their own destruction
Trying to induce pain at every possible angle...
Do they see me trying to disguise my evil intent in the act of an angel
Or maybe they see me as their savior
A hero even
One to be there to rescue them when that evil monster attacks
One to stand by their side through danger
But will i end up causing more pain than i do good?
Did it ever occur to these people that i might be neither
I could be a voice on the wind
A leaf out of thousands of leaves
I could be a cloud in the sky ready to shed my tears at any given moment.
No.
Im that kid you see on that corner
lost with no where to go
looking in the eyes of others for that gleam of hope and acceptance
Where am I?
Im that lost little kid..... searching
Why so fickle?
Ever so fickle
Why must there be somethings easily broken?
Twigs
Glass
Bone
Hearts?
Why must we be so fickle
Subject to the ever so slight change in tune
Why are we so malleable?
allowing ourselves to be molded and hardened....
....only to be broken
Why are we so unstable?
Is it in our nature?
Do we choose to lose?
Or do we look to win but accept loss as an inevitably?
Why so fickle?
Ever so fickle
Why must there be somethings easily broken?
Twigs
Glass
Bone
Hearts?
Why must we be so fickle
Subject to the ever so slight change in tune
Why are we so malleable?
allowing ourselves to be molded and hardened....
....only to be broken
Why are we so unstable?
Is it in our nature?
Do we choose to lose?
Or do we look to win but accept loss as an inevitably?
Why so fickle?
Ever so fickle
The path of a return?
is it a path of no return?
or is it a path trod by many to and fro?
I went my way you went yours--
I stand on the hill and look down on you--
you continue to walk forward with backwards glances--
uncertantiy in your eyes--
stop--
you turn around take a small step forward--
a liitle bit closer to me--
...
and turn back around--
will you come back up the path of the return?
it beckons and speaks to us both--
I choose my path--
you choose yours--
we will both endup at the same place--
hopefully u will turnback and we will take a different path--
together--
or is it a path trod by many to and fro?
I went my way you went yours--
I stand on the hill and look down on you--
you continue to walk forward with backwards glances--
uncertantiy in your eyes--
stop--
you turn around take a small step forward--
a liitle bit closer to me--
...
and turn back around--
will you come back up the path of the return?
it beckons and speaks to us both--
I choose my path--
you choose yours--
we will both endup at the same place--
hopefully u will turnback and we will take a different path--
together--
A much needed rant about financial aid.....
Ok so here is the deal, we all want to go live a lavish life style and get rich and live that true "American dream". Unless we are lyrical gods and goddesses, or uber nice at art or just happen to win the lottery, most of us have to work our asses off to just achieve anything. So us mortals go to school for say about 13 years before the biggie college rolls around. Now most of us probably think that ooo yea college fun, parties, a little bit of work here and there then more parties, then there are those that are like monotonous drones : work work work. 9 times out of 11 we get through college and into the real world or go to grad school. Think, America wants us to be smart, America wants us to achieve higher education, America wants to see us as the next doctors or the next astronaut, or whatever. But America doesn't want to pay for us. Aint that a shame. Most of us have dreams. Most of us have ambitions. Most of us aim high. Most of us are poor and are not able to shell out a random 50 grand a year or however much we have to pay, only to get a job that pays us less in 8 years than the money spent going to college for 4. But alas, there might be a savior! Financial aid! It might be nice to know that the government [might] have/has your back. And that maybe the school recognizes your talent and pays for your edumacation. But what about the rest of us with talent and is uber smart. We get nothing. Even if we beg and plead. We are forced by our own means to fork over the money and if we don't we are pretty much screwed. Hello MC Donald's good bye neurologist. Our parents don't have any money, and we certainly dont have any money. So then what.... Financial aid or whoever the sneaky little bastard that came up with it gave us an alternative to school scholarships or government grants.... LOANS! WHOOPPEEE!!! we get instant money without a catch!!! ....... wait a minute.... really? Yup says the bank here is your money just pay us back as soon as you get out of school. * bank smiles mischievously* Yup thats it, the story of our lives... most of us as soon as we get out of college, unless we have major connections will not get a high paying job that will satisfy the banks greed of the money we owe it.... oh ya did i mention the government loans money too? WTF! which is worse the bank banging on your door demanding money or the IRS banging your head in with a hammer just for the fun of it then asking for money.... hmmm
you choose. But back to loans... ok so say u really want to achieve in life but you have no money, you revived scholarships and grants but its just not enough, so your final option is loans... thats all dandy, you fill out your applications but its still not enough, by this time your like seriously WTF man... so you have to take out a private loan (worse kind) but in order to take out a private loan you need a cosigner, or the banks sneaky ass way of making sure they get paid. The cosigner has to have a good, if not excellent credit history. So you go to your parents, who have no money btw and ask them to cosign for you. that is like asking a howler monkey (horrible voice) to go sing for Simon on American Idol... Instant fail. So you try your older siblings perhaps... nope IRS is already breathing down their necks from their old loans... Like seriously i don't know if this is true for anybody else but its true for me, trying to find someone with good credit is like trying to drink the ocean with a straw..... f***ing impossible. And if you dont have a cosigner you can still try to apply for the loan but the chances of being denied increases by 80% so you are screwed either way. So right now you are stressing because the school is threatening to drop all of your classes the next day and eject you from the university (my case) if you dont get them their stinkin money... (its like the mafia i tell you). Its ashame that we must pay in order to get rich in this dumb@$$ capitolist society that we live in. So basically to students like us, Capitolism is holding the American dream and a $hitload of money in its hand above our hands and we are jumping to reach it. Which is like trying jump up and reach and airplane... f***ing impossible! So thank you for reading. Im royally screwed i cant achieve my dreams simply because i cant pay for them so until next time ta ta...
PS... F*** Capitolism
you choose. But back to loans... ok so say u really want to achieve in life but you have no money, you revived scholarships and grants but its just not enough, so your final option is loans... thats all dandy, you fill out your applications but its still not enough, by this time your like seriously WTF man... so you have to take out a private loan (worse kind) but in order to take out a private loan you need a cosigner, or the banks sneaky ass way of making sure they get paid. The cosigner has to have a good, if not excellent credit history. So you go to your parents, who have no money btw and ask them to cosign for you. that is like asking a howler monkey (horrible voice) to go sing for Simon on American Idol... Instant fail. So you try your older siblings perhaps... nope IRS is already breathing down their necks from their old loans... Like seriously i don't know if this is true for anybody else but its true for me, trying to find someone with good credit is like trying to drink the ocean with a straw..... f***ing impossible. And if you dont have a cosigner you can still try to apply for the loan but the chances of being denied increases by 80% so you are screwed either way. So right now you are stressing because the school is threatening to drop all of your classes the next day and eject you from the university (my case) if you dont get them their stinkin money... (its like the mafia i tell you). Its ashame that we must pay in order to get rich in this dumb@$$ capitolist society that we live in. So basically to students like us, Capitolism is holding the American dream and a $hitload of money in its hand above our hands and we are jumping to reach it. Which is like trying jump up and reach and airplane... f***ing impossible! So thank you for reading. Im royally screwed i cant achieve my dreams simply because i cant pay for them so until next time ta ta...
PS... F*** Capitolism
Untitled
In my corner,I'm crying inside
And my tears are hard to hide
Being happy is my toughest goal
"Look at her, she's such a freak."
Only to my friends,I speak
As I lie dead there in my soul.
You could help me, but you won't
You could make an extra effort, but don't
You just put the idea on the shelf
You made up your own mind
And decided to stay with your own 'kind'
As I lay dead, all by myself
My interests were new and 'weird'
Hey, it's not like you had cared...
So, from you,my uniqueness I will hide
I think that being just like you
will make me a part of your group
As I lie dead, originality inside
All the torture got to my head
I was alive, yet I was dead
And you were the worst,my mind you didn't save
BANG BANG! Bullets made of lead
Were the last thing that went through my head
And now, watch me as I lie dead in my GRAVE.
And my tears are hard to hide
Being happy is my toughest goal
"Look at her, she's such a freak."
Only to my friends,I speak
As I lie dead there in my soul.
You could help me, but you won't
You could make an extra effort, but don't
You just put the idea on the shelf
You made up your own mind
And decided to stay with your own 'kind'
As I lay dead, all by myself
My interests were new and 'weird'
Hey, it's not like you had cared...
So, from you,my uniqueness I will hide
I think that being just like you
will make me a part of your group
As I lie dead, originality inside
All the torture got to my head
I was alive, yet I was dead
And you were the worst,my mind you didn't save
BANG BANG! Bullets made of lead
Were the last thing that went through my head
And now, watch me as I lie dead in my GRAVE.
untitled
Life comes and goes
The ebb of the world flows continuously
never stoping
never pausing
A slight flare in the would be monotonous tide
causes no disturbance
But wait that slight flare was no small thing
A life entered the world
this life would be bound by its fate
to change not only its life
but the lives of others
one life in particular
another life to rival its own prowess
the destined meeting of these two
will cause murmurs in the continuous flow of the world
the clash of powers and will
enemies on sight
war begins, the riff in the flow begins to widen
slowly, these two
began to dwindle
their powers are equal
match to match
neither able to outwit the other
Sedated by their apparent opposite
they compare.
then a force so powerful that neither of them could imagine
is set into work.....
The celestial being that weaves fate gives a chuckle as the former enemies kiss....
The ebb of the world flows continuously
never stoping
never pausing
A slight flare in the would be monotonous tide
causes no disturbance
But wait that slight flare was no small thing
A life entered the world
this life would be bound by its fate
to change not only its life
but the lives of others
one life in particular
another life to rival its own prowess
the destined meeting of these two
will cause murmurs in the continuous flow of the world
the clash of powers and will
enemies on sight
war begins, the riff in the flow begins to widen
slowly, these two
began to dwindle
their powers are equal
match to match
neither able to outwit the other
Sedated by their apparent opposite
they compare.
then a force so powerful that neither of them could imagine
is set into work.....
The celestial being that weaves fate gives a chuckle as the former enemies kiss....
When the Eyes are opened (pt. 1)
A white flash fills the void of darkness
obliterating it and sending it back to the nothing where it came from
a monotonous sound feels the air tentatively in a progressive hum
Click click click CLICK CLACK CLICK
A smile appears briefly then vanishes as darkness engulfs once more.
A response resonates around the room as the darkness flees in terror from the minute white light of the screen
the monotonous sound parades around my eardrum once more and then is silent as the screen dims
A warmth close to my heart shifts as it searches for a new more comfortable position
to await the arrival of the light from the screen
Almost instantly the glass screen glares to life again. Pause.
eyes take in the manuscript the screen presents. Pause.
The monotonous clicking continues.
Sleep evades me.
The ever repeating process mocks my eyelids as they try to shut out the light and dances around my ears with its sound.
Peace. At last.
Morning arrives with my heart heavy
my head in the clouds.
I feel pushed aside
I bottle it in and shove a smile onto my sagging features
I deserve better than what i get when will i get it?
obliterating it and sending it back to the nothing where it came from
a monotonous sound feels the air tentatively in a progressive hum
Click click click CLICK CLACK CLICK
A smile appears briefly then vanishes as darkness engulfs once more.
A response resonates around the room as the darkness flees in terror from the minute white light of the screen
the monotonous sound parades around my eardrum once more and then is silent as the screen dims
A warmth close to my heart shifts as it searches for a new more comfortable position
to await the arrival of the light from the screen
Almost instantly the glass screen glares to life again. Pause.
eyes take in the manuscript the screen presents. Pause.
The monotonous clicking continues.
Sleep evades me.
The ever repeating process mocks my eyelids as they try to shut out the light and dances around my ears with its sound.
Peace. At last.
Morning arrives with my heart heavy
my head in the clouds.
I feel pushed aside
I bottle it in and shove a smile onto my sagging features
I deserve better than what i get when will i get it?
When the Eyes are opened [random thoughts] (pt. 2)
Realization sets in on my persona.
The art is of war.
It is a never ending fight between multiple parties.
Defeat one and more return but in greater numbers.
But it is this battle that i choose to fight.....
The letters come randomly at first
P.j.a.j.j.c.b.r.
It confuses me.
I see confusion,chaos. what do these letters mean?
Are they better than me?
Do they offer something that i dont have?
should i strive to be like them?
No.
Who i am shall suffice. They are the victims... of a toy
pulled by the strings of fate
I cut my self of my strings long ago. to be free
I am my self nobody else
Still i fight sometimes winning, sometimes losing
A mixture of random letters strewn across the battle field.
I long to be free of this war... Victory is in the distance i can tell
But barriers, obstacles and the letters are blocking my path.
I step over them and into the warmth of the morning sun......
The art is of war.
It is a never ending fight between multiple parties.
Defeat one and more return but in greater numbers.
But it is this battle that i choose to fight.....
The letters come randomly at first
P.j.a.j.j.c.b.r.
It confuses me.
I see confusion,chaos. what do these letters mean?
Are they better than me?
Do they offer something that i dont have?
should i strive to be like them?
No.
Who i am shall suffice. They are the victims... of a toy
pulled by the strings of fate
I cut my self of my strings long ago. to be free
I am my self nobody else
Still i fight sometimes winning, sometimes losing
A mixture of random letters strewn across the battle field.
I long to be free of this war... Victory is in the distance i can tell
But barriers, obstacles and the letters are blocking my path.
I step over them and into the warmth of the morning sun......
When Eyes are opened [LONG] (pt.3)
Like a slowly budding seed , seeking the suns warm caress from its devilish grave of a nest,
A smile crosses my face, stealing slowly from peripheral to peripheral
My thoughts wander.....
An acute sense of euphoria envelops my every move and threatens to make my smile even more radiant
The bus rumbles to a stop and i exit
Rays of sunlight shimmer and twirl with a reflection of rainbows off of the new fallen snow
The icy grip of the cold has no affect on me as the warmth of my heart melts the icy exterior.
My pace gets faster as the thought of what lies ahead brings.
The fountain still not frozen shoots a fine layer of mist against my bare cheeks
the winter birds sing gaily as they forage for an easy meal
I take all of this in with barely a glimpse as i walk even faster.
I nod my head in salutations to other passerby's as they head to their own destination
As i near my own, i slowly progress to a halt as ...........
!!!!!**** I snap back to reality ******!!!!!!!!!!
the cold and unforgiving rain beats savagely against my temple that my hood fails to protect
My pace is brisk and purposeful
I need to get somewhere warm
but the search must go on....
Thunder peals loudly as lighting races past in brilliant arcs in the sky
I search for what needs to be found
It is not lost
It is not misplaced
It is mistaken
As i continue my search a quote comes to mind simple but with a deep meaning:
" You must love and have faith"
*********
I smile just as brightly as the smile being returned to me
A smile is worth more than a thousand jewels the smile tells me
Than yours must be worth its weight in gold i retort....
A smile crosses my face, stealing slowly from peripheral to peripheral
My thoughts wander.....
An acute sense of euphoria envelops my every move and threatens to make my smile even more radiant
The bus rumbles to a stop and i exit
Rays of sunlight shimmer and twirl with a reflection of rainbows off of the new fallen snow
The icy grip of the cold has no affect on me as the warmth of my heart melts the icy exterior.
My pace gets faster as the thought of what lies ahead brings.
The fountain still not frozen shoots a fine layer of mist against my bare cheeks
the winter birds sing gaily as they forage for an easy meal
I take all of this in with barely a glimpse as i walk even faster.
I nod my head in salutations to other passerby's as they head to their own destination
As i near my own, i slowly progress to a halt as ...........
!!!!!**** I snap back to reality ******!!!!!!!!!!
the cold and unforgiving rain beats savagely against my temple that my hood fails to protect
My pace is brisk and purposeful
I need to get somewhere warm
but the search must go on....
Thunder peals loudly as lighting races past in brilliant arcs in the sky
I search for what needs to be found
It is not lost
It is not misplaced
It is mistaken
As i continue my search a quote comes to mind simple but with a deep meaning:
" You must love and have faith"
*********
I smile just as brightly as the smile being returned to me
A smile is worth more than a thousand jewels the smile tells me
Than yours must be worth its weight in gold i retort....
When Eyes are opened Pt. 5
The screen has returned... the white light flares into action
Materializing seemingly from nowhere a life-like, life-sized figure starts to emerge from the shadows
Blood starts to simmer and slowly heats to a scalding boil as the figure starts to take shape
The figure gets bigger, bolder
muscle and sinew form in a synonymous motion around a dense bone structure
i arrive
panic and surprise
is that really him?
Deception
the heat of the blood slowly sears the skin from the inside
anger
I glimpse at the new materialized person
only for a second
my gaze seems to cause for the immediate withdrawal of the mysterious being
that materialized from the light of the screen
it bubbled and frothed back where it came from
the only thing left was an object making a familiar sound
a heartbeat
a black cold heartbeat.....
Materializing seemingly from nowhere a life-like, life-sized figure starts to emerge from the shadows
Blood starts to simmer and slowly heats to a scalding boil as the figure starts to take shape
The figure gets bigger, bolder
muscle and sinew form in a synonymous motion around a dense bone structure
i arrive
panic and surprise
is that really him?
Deception
the heat of the blood slowly sears the skin from the inside
anger
I glimpse at the new materialized person
only for a second
my gaze seems to cause for the immediate withdrawal of the mysterious being
that materialized from the light of the screen
it bubbled and frothed back where it came from
the only thing left was an object making a familiar sound
a heartbeat
a black cold heartbeat.....
Brightness
From the dark and deep depths
where no light can be found
A single dark dirty rock
sits.
waiting.
Its surrounding began to warm immensely
The black rock begins to feel a heavy pressure slowly crushing it
shaping it
conforming it
The metamorphosis is now complete the rock waits
it waits for a new beginning
it waits for its hard dirty covering to be cracked
It seeks the light so it can shine iridescently
A small finger of light penetrates the darkness surrounding it
its centennial wait is no more
its former husk falls away from it in dark clods
the finger of light turns into a thumb then to a hand
dirt and crust falls from all around it as it beams with its many colours
finally it is ready.
From a dirty black rock to a peice of beauty, awe and wonder.
where no light can be found
A single dark dirty rock
sits.
waiting.
Its surrounding began to warm immensely
The black rock begins to feel a heavy pressure slowly crushing it
shaping it
conforming it
The metamorphosis is now complete the rock waits
it waits for a new beginning
it waits for its hard dirty covering to be cracked
It seeks the light so it can shine iridescently
A small finger of light penetrates the darkness surrounding it
its centennial wait is no more
its former husk falls away from it in dark clods
the finger of light turns into a thumb then to a hand
dirt and crust falls from all around it as it beams with its many colours
finally it is ready.
From a dirty black rock to a peice of beauty, awe and wonder.
apparent fluctuation....
the apparent scowl on my face dictates anger
and a reaction to the turmoil within
a weight is sitting on my chest
along with the pressure searching for a possible vent
along a narrow channel i search for a non existent opening
my eyes wander pleading and searching for an answer to this pain
i ask for a release
my request goes unanswered as the sound bounces off of unheard ears
the cold seeps through my skin
the warmth leaves
the distance fluctuates
my only release; the strokes of the keys
and a reaction to the turmoil within
a weight is sitting on my chest
along with the pressure searching for a possible vent
along a narrow channel i search for a non existent opening
my eyes wander pleading and searching for an answer to this pain
i ask for a release
my request goes unanswered as the sound bounces off of unheard ears
the cold seeps through my skin
the warmth leaves
the distance fluctuates
my only release; the strokes of the keys
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Untitled
A seed has been planted deep within the fertile soil of mother earth
Silently the seed waits to be awakened to unleash its full potential
A storm blows by the seed not even affected within its haven of dirt
The tiny rivulets of water that it feeds off of grows stronger
Bonds are made broken and restored
A crack appears on the seam
It has begun
A tiny lifeforms oblivious to its surroundings tries to break free of
its once haven now would be grave
Silently the seed waits to be awakened to unleash its full potential
A storm blows by the seed not even affected within its haven of dirt
The tiny rivulets of water that it feeds off of grows stronger
Bonds are made broken and restored
A crack appears on the seam
It has begun
A tiny lifeforms oblivious to its surroundings tries to break free of
its once haven now would be grave
ranting about anything and everything a mixture of pent up thoughts
Hi.
i am like Dr.phil, to most ppl or that is the name given to me, i have earned that title. I help people who need help. I would like to say i do more than dr.phil. Because not only do i help people i make them feel better and give them good advice. I have helped more gals and guys than you can shake a finger at, mostly girls though since i tend to get along better with females than i do with guys. But out of the blue a whole bunch of people just came to me telling me their problems. I dont know if they knew or even cared if i had any problems myself or even knew how to fix or help them fix theirs. I guess im just easy to talk to and a great listener as they say. Turns out my advice is spot on. And somehow i always know how to make a person feel better, no matter how big of a burden a smile is something i can conjure out of the blue on the face of a saddened person. ok now most of the time people come to me with relationship problems. Other times they just want somebody to talk 2 and to make them smile. Easy. Done. Now one would think that oh hes the relationship guy his girlfriend must be one lucky chick.....errr wrong... dont have one..... lolz the laws of irony dictates that i stay single.... i have had numerous successful relationships in the past. only thing was distance. Now ive only had one bad relationship... and let me tell you the sun exploding wouldnt have been bad as this... but we are not going into details. Now, i like helping all of these people. It makes me feel like im actually doing something with my life. But the only thing is i would like for somebody to be my Dr.Phil. But to be honest i dont think anybody would be able to handle it... as much as i would want them too. But its good to have somebody to talk 2. I am that person to talk to for a lot of people. if only they would return the favor. but i dont stress it. sometimes i just think i wish i had someone i can confide in and express myself too... i mean i do ok in the poems i write,but it cant take away the pain like a hug can, or somebody saying that everything will be allright. sometimes i put myself in their shoes. i say things to them that i long for somebody to say to me. it makes them feel better and means a whole lot to them and it usually makes them feel better. i think that is why im so good at this... I deal with stress very well if you havent already established. i bottle everything up and keep moving.... i know this is bad but i do it anyway its how i coped with my childhood its how i cope with todays world... they say you bring your childhood problems into your adult answers... this i think is true.... as i progress into a man more and more each day i think back to my past and wonder, what if things were different? what if she hadnt gone to heavens gate, and left me here, what if he finished medical school instead of dropping out to take care of us. but then again i can only wonder. I can not change the past. i think that the perfect girl is one that respects herself first. Me personally im trying to achieve my life goals... although i would like a companion to help push me through it i dont have one... not many people like the stuff i like or is willing to try new things like i am... not as eclectic as i am either, but i am willing to make amends. but she has to have her head screwed in straight, and must realize that school comes first for the both of us. then eachother.... ahhh the perfect chica... out there somewhere waitin for me.... i recently was talking to somebody she made me smile a hell of a lot, but her loyalties were elsewhere... i came out of it feeling used... like i was a replacement filler for the time being.... i felt like a condom i was used and discarded off to the side... well my thoughts to that is.... well fuck you too. End. Is it wrong to wish somebody not to be happy for your own amends? i think it is, but i didnt care. but as time moved on i realized that it was a useless thing. i can already predict the outcome of her situation, shes lookin for somethin he not ready to give... she gonna get hurt and cry to me... blah blah im gonna be like i told you so... you didnt listen to me and thats that. but this will be the second time this has happened... im talking about a specific incident if you havent noticed... but wateva who cares... Dumb people suck by the way. their incompetence scares me... how can one be so ignorant and stupid. they say ignorance is bliss, i now believe this statement fully. some people dont learn and are just dumb. all those tears were fake and were lies... sometimes i wish for revenge.... sooo out of my character, but i wish all the pain that was caused to me to be inflicted 10fold back.... i actually dont wish that to happen but thats how i feel... now fake friends..... im doing it cuz i dont want to be an asshole.... the awkwardness is open and things just aint the same... ive never wanted 2 cuss somebody out till now.... i was emotionally detached the whole time. Just to see what you would do... but now you are setting youself up for the same thing you were in before me... you dumbass.... dont come crying to me when you are done... errrrr sorry lol the person that im reffering 2 prob wont read this but who cares... i dont like to see people hurt thats why im there to help them and make them feel better, i guess thats just wat i do.
i am like Dr.phil, to most ppl or that is the name given to me, i have earned that title. I help people who need help. I would like to say i do more than dr.phil. Because not only do i help people i make them feel better and give them good advice. I have helped more gals and guys than you can shake a finger at, mostly girls though since i tend to get along better with females than i do with guys. But out of the blue a whole bunch of people just came to me telling me their problems. I dont know if they knew or even cared if i had any problems myself or even knew how to fix or help them fix theirs. I guess im just easy to talk to and a great listener as they say. Turns out my advice is spot on. And somehow i always know how to make a person feel better, no matter how big of a burden a smile is something i can conjure out of the blue on the face of a saddened person. ok now most of the time people come to me with relationship problems. Other times they just want somebody to talk 2 and to make them smile. Easy. Done. Now one would think that oh hes the relationship guy his girlfriend must be one lucky chick.....errr wrong... dont have one..... lolz the laws of irony dictates that i stay single.... i have had numerous successful relationships in the past. only thing was distance. Now ive only had one bad relationship... and let me tell you the sun exploding wouldnt have been bad as this... but we are not going into details. Now, i like helping all of these people. It makes me feel like im actually doing something with my life. But the only thing is i would like for somebody to be my Dr.Phil. But to be honest i dont think anybody would be able to handle it... as much as i would want them too. But its good to have somebody to talk 2. I am that person to talk to for a lot of people. if only they would return the favor. but i dont stress it. sometimes i just think i wish i had someone i can confide in and express myself too... i mean i do ok in the poems i write,but it cant take away the pain like a hug can, or somebody saying that everything will be allright. sometimes i put myself in their shoes. i say things to them that i long for somebody to say to me. it makes them feel better and means a whole lot to them and it usually makes them feel better. i think that is why im so good at this... I deal with stress very well if you havent already established. i bottle everything up and keep moving.... i know this is bad but i do it anyway its how i coped with my childhood its how i cope with todays world... they say you bring your childhood problems into your adult answers... this i think is true.... as i progress into a man more and more each day i think back to my past and wonder, what if things were different? what if she hadnt gone to heavens gate, and left me here, what if he finished medical school instead of dropping out to take care of us. but then again i can only wonder. I can not change the past. i think that the perfect girl is one that respects herself first. Me personally im trying to achieve my life goals... although i would like a companion to help push me through it i dont have one... not many people like the stuff i like or is willing to try new things like i am... not as eclectic as i am either, but i am willing to make amends. but she has to have her head screwed in straight, and must realize that school comes first for the both of us. then eachother.... ahhh the perfect chica... out there somewhere waitin for me.... i recently was talking to somebody she made me smile a hell of a lot, but her loyalties were elsewhere... i came out of it feeling used... like i was a replacement filler for the time being.... i felt like a condom i was used and discarded off to the side... well my thoughts to that is.... well fuck you too. End. Is it wrong to wish somebody not to be happy for your own amends? i think it is, but i didnt care. but as time moved on i realized that it was a useless thing. i can already predict the outcome of her situation, shes lookin for somethin he not ready to give... she gonna get hurt and cry to me... blah blah im gonna be like i told you so... you didnt listen to me and thats that. but this will be the second time this has happened... im talking about a specific incident if you havent noticed... but wateva who cares... Dumb people suck by the way. their incompetence scares me... how can one be so ignorant and stupid. they say ignorance is bliss, i now believe this statement fully. some people dont learn and are just dumb. all those tears were fake and were lies... sometimes i wish for revenge.... sooo out of my character, but i wish all the pain that was caused to me to be inflicted 10fold back.... i actually dont wish that to happen but thats how i feel... now fake friends..... im doing it cuz i dont want to be an asshole.... the awkwardness is open and things just aint the same... ive never wanted 2 cuss somebody out till now.... i was emotionally detached the whole time. Just to see what you would do... but now you are setting youself up for the same thing you were in before me... you dumbass.... dont come crying to me when you are done... errrrr sorry lol the person that im reffering 2 prob wont read this but who cares... i dont like to see people hurt thats why im there to help them and make them feel better, i guess thats just wat i do.
My birthday....
Today is my birthday my dad hates me and its my birthday.... happy birthday to me.... i am 20.....
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